


Fly 'em high, do or die

by NaroMoreau



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Brittle Bones, Flying, Friendship, Other, Pre-Normandy, dubious piloting in space knowledge, dubious piloting knowledge, inadequacy issues, ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-19 08:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16530710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaroMoreau/pseuds/NaroMoreau
Summary: Written forJokerWeek2018on Tumblr. This was born out of an idea given byrvtstudentand once they mentioned it I couldn't get it out of my mind.This is the story of Joker  in flying school, pre-Normandy and a crossover with the movie Top Gun.Some dialogs have been borrowed from the movie, the rest just came out of my mind.I hope you guys enjoy it!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [JulesHawke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulesHawke/pseuds/JulesHawke) and [AlyssAlenko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssAlenko/pseuds/AlyssAlenko) for helping me as always and a huge shoutout to [luastardust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luastardust/pseuds/StarsAndSkies) for hosting the week!

“Joker, you just did an incredibly brave thing, and stupid as hell.” Old Badger’sforehead was damp with sweat, veins popping out on his temples, a beet-red flush crawling up his neck and Joker could’ve sworn his eyes were about to burst out of his skull.  “Your orders were to land your ship!”

Before he could speak, Steve tried to intervene. “Sir, Cougar froze, he--”

“I’m not talking to you, Cortez!” Commander Holloway paced around them, his head yanking from left to right, sweeping the room with his words and saliva. “What in the hell did you think you were doing, Joker?”

“Just wanna serve the Alliance, be the best fighter pilot in the Navy, sir!” He squared up his shoulders as best as he could, gripping the handles of his crutches tighter, trying to ignore the radiating anger from Commander Holloway, standing just inches away from him.

“Don’t screw around with me, son. You’re a hell of a pilot, maybe too good for your own damn good. I’d love to bust your crippled ass, but I can’t. I've got a major problem here.” Joker blinked under his cap trying to keep the persistent drops of sweat off his lashes. Although routine, the drill had left him spent, Cougar’s fear and despair had hit him right in gut, mirroring his own doubts. Next to him Steve stared blankly at the wall, hands behind his back, brow knitted expecting the avalanche of fury from the Old Badger to swiftly find him too.

Commander Holloway sat on his desk and flash them a pointed look, the veins in his neck stood out like cords. “I gotta send somebody from this school to Admiral Hackett.”  He felt Steve’s eyes piercing his skull like a blaster gun. “I gotta do something here. I still can’t believe it.” The Commander winced, his hand curled like the paw of an animal, a predator about to rip them apart. Joker didn’t flinch. “Cougar was my number one, and now- I gotta give you your dream shot. I’m gonna send you up against the best. You two characters are going to Top Gun and for five weeks you’re gonna fly against the best fighter pilots humanity has to offer.”

Joker batted his lashes, his heart thundering in his chest, a heavy pounding that had him deaf to any other sound. His perfect soldier demeanor cracked when a smile broke, dashing white shining through his lips. Steve shifted on his feet and sighed, heavily, making Joker think he hadn’t breathed at all since they entered Holloway’s office.   

“But just one thing,” the Badger threatened, hovering over them in a way that surprised Joker since the man was several inches shorter than them, “you screw up just this much, you’ll be flying a cargo shuttle full of varren shit out of Omega.”

“Yes, sir!”

His legs started to quiver, and he knew his shins couldn’t hold much longer, but it’d be a cold day in hell if he allowed the Badger see him show any sign of weakness; not when he finally was scratching heaven with sweaty fingers. Holloway paused, hands on his hips, shooting them a last vitriolic glance.

“That’s all.”

They retreated out of that dark hole as if they were escaping, a weird scenario lightened by the grins they both had carved in their faces. Steve opened the door, allowing him to go out first, but before he lifted his crutches from the ground Holloway’s voice snapped their attention back at him.

“Good luck, gentlemen.”

“Thank you, sir.” Their answer came at unison, heads nodding before they finally stepped through the door.

__________________________________

He leaned back on his chair listening to the instructor in front of him. He still couldn’t believe it was her. It was the Viper. _The Viper_. Rear Admiral Prell, hero of the First Contact War, one of the toughest soldiers the Alliance counted among their ranks. She'd been through hell, and lived to tell the tale, her face determined, mouth drawn in a thin line as she looked at each of them in turn, sizing them up, knowing with one glance who would make it through the program, and who would fall short and it was intimidating to see.

“Back during The First Contact War, the Alliance had to stake out its game. Airborne combat against turian military forces stripped us naked showing our flaws. The ratio was 12 to 1 against us, meaning that for every ship we destroyed they obliterated twelve.” The whole classroom seemed to wane in her presence and Joker couldn’t help but admire the sheer force of her personality.

The vid-screen flickered with images of what Joker assumed was Shanxi’s sky. The old F-45 fighters fell in flames around the colony while the entire classroom lit up with the intermittent orange glimmer of omnitools being tapped furiously by their owners. His gaze drifted to the window next to him, his mind locking on the idea of being back home. _Home_.

Four long years had passed since he left Arcturus Station, away from his mom, dad and Hillary. Four long years since the last time he had had to face sneers and derision in his old school whenever the topic of his pilot dreams arose, and now he was back, landing at the center of his aimed bull’s eye. A smirk spread slowly from one end of his mouth to the other, his head slightly tilted to the side while his thumb grazed his stubble, eyes lost on the metallic shine of the almost clinical wall. He was yanked back by Steve’s knee in contact with his shin, a subtle nudge that tagged along with a sign of Cortez’ head pointing at the instructor.

“Pilots shouldn’t become dependent upon missiles, never underestimate dogfighting skills. Top Gun was created to teach improved A.C.M, Air Combat Manoeuvring. By the time of the Skyllian Blitz just a year ago, our ratio was up to 13 to 1 and that’s how it should stay.”

The small hairs at the back of his neck stood up, the feeling of an attentive gaze pricking his skin made him shuffle in his seat. His eyes were drawn, pulled, by the power of a magnetic force and he turned to meet brown eyes, gaze cold and sharp. The man was sitting as if he owned the place, legs spread in what should’ve been two seats, his companion reduced to a notch in his eyes. Joker smirked, as the mysterious man’s gaze slipped down his side, locking on his crutches, a cloying, pretentious smile waving back at him once he settled on Joker’s face again. They looked at each other until the voltage running between them snapped and both flinched.

“And although we’re not at war, we must always act as though we are at war.” The Viper sauntered among them, every pair of eyes in the room following her. All of them except that mysterious man. And Steve.

“What are you doing?” Cortez whispered, furrowing his brow, trying to caught Joker’s lost attention.

“I was just wondering… who’s the best?” Joker replied. Those icy brown eyes had rattled his ever-present competitive side.

“In case some of you wonder who the best is,” the Viper’s voice soared above them, “they’re up here on this plaque on the wall.”

A wavelet of movement accompanied the rustle of uniforms as everyone turned to see the plaque.

The clatter of the Viper’s boots as she made her way back to the front of the room tattered the expectant silence. Joker leaned on his elbows, grinning at Steve.

“You think your name is gonna be on that plaque?” She asked him, almost like an accusation.

He hesitated for a split second. “Yes ma’am.” A proud, daring shimmer in his green eyes as he raised his chin.

“That’s pretty arrogant, considering the company you’re in.” She scowled, crossing her arms on her chest, her voice like a hammer trying to correct the unaligned nail he was.

He didn't stir, holding her inquisitive gaze. “Yes ma’am.”

A grin curled her lips. “I like that in a pilot. Just remember, when it’s over out there, we’re all on the same team. Dismissed.”

“Nice going, big mouth.” Steve chuckled patting his back. They stood up, making their way out of the room. When they were next to the mystery man’s seat, Joker lifted the bill of his cap shooting him a deprecating smirk.

 

“Plaques for alternates are in the ladies’ room.” The man said in a thick, velvety voice, accent like rippling hills.

His knuckles turned white around the handles of his crutches, as his ego received the fist thrown at him. Howling laughter echoed behind him until he turned, Steve's hand on his elbow.

“Maybe you should check it out then Pretty Boy, y'know? Get used to it and all that.” He quipped, seeing a conceited smirk spreading on the man’s face.

Shrugging, Joker left the room, his crutches clanking against the metal floor.

______________________________

The BDUs scratched him in places he couldn’t reach. Damn Alliance and their starched undies.

“C’mon man, why are you dragging me to this?” First day and he’d have give his left arm to have been left alone to enjoy a beer. He staggered next to Steve, raising his voice over the deafening rhythm of something that sounded too electronic for his taste.

“You need to relax, you already are where you wanted to be.” Steve’s confident steps contrasted with what he thought was his own clumsy figure, but even then he smiled. Steve had become quickly his best friend, suffering his annoying, pestering existence for reasons he still couldn't fathom. The man had the patience of a saint.

They walked to the bar, avoiding the myriad of people dancing in a hubbub, arms and legs flailing unabashed and he couldn’t help but to admire them. His gaze scrubbed the place once they sat, catching glimpses of naked skin, tight dresses and bodies pressed against each other; every spot full of beauties and studs that made him feel inadequate.

“Care to try?” Steve handed him a beer, a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips.

“Mmm?” He grabbed the bottle with a faraway look in his eyes.

“Can you at least try to look less bored?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Hey look, do you really wanna know who the best is?” Steve said, as they clinked their bottles, his gaze fixed across the room, head nodding in that direction. “That’s him. Iceman.”

Joker’s eyes followed the path traced by Steve’s. It was him. The one he had already catalogued as the _asshole_. The man had a drink in one hand, the same cocky, smug smile curling his lips, his left arm sneaked around the waist of a slim, gorgeous woman.

“That’s the way he flies, ice-cold, no mistakes,” Steve continued, “just wears you down. You get bored, frustrated, do something stupid, and he’s got you.” He gulped his beer, raising his eyebrows.

The man fixed his gaze on Joker and left his date, strutting across the bar, eliciting dreamy sighs and grunts alike. He slowed down his pace upon his approach, a dashing-white smile accompanying the hand he thrust to Steve.

“Cortez, long time no see my man.” He shook Steve’s hand, determined, broad movements, confidence exuding from him. “How’s it going?”

“Good, Reyes.” Cortez step aside, signaling back and forth between Joker and the man in front of them. “This is Jeff Moreau. Reyes Vidal.”

Joker took the hand Reyes offered him, a half smile on his face to coat the wince that fought to peek through as his own hand was clasped in a dry, tight hold.

“Congratulations on Top Gun. Sorry to hear about Cougar, he and I were like brothers in flight school. He was a good man.” Reyes said sipping his beer, his eyes not leaving Joker's.

“Still is a good man.” Joker said tersely, with just a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Yes, that’s what I meant.”

Joker frowned, pondering the guy in front of him, disliking Vidal even more with every spoken word.  “I thought so.” He said, chin high.

“So, you need any help?” Vidal shot him what could’ve been a sincere smile if it wasn’t for that crooked wrinkle right above his lip; ice in his eyes.  

“With what?” Joker spitted.

“You figured it out yet then?” The curves and burrows of his voice were hypnotizing, and yet Joker felt it oozed a dangerous, threatening quality.  

“What’s that?”

“Who’s the best pilot.” Vidal said, a glimmer in his brown eyes.

“I think I can figure that one out on my own, no offense.”

“I heard that about you, Joker. You like to work alone.” Every trace of softness evaporated from Reyes’ face and he clenched his jaw, staring into his eyes as if he were trying to break him. Joker held his gaze. “It was nice seeing you Steve.” Reyes said finally and turned to face Joker before leaving. “I’ll see you later.”

“Oh, you can count on it.”

“What was that?” Cortez said quirking a brow as they watched Vidal disappearing in the crowd.

“Dick measuring contest, I guess.” Joker said shrugging.

Steve chuckled. “Ah man, you’re already making friends.”

“You know me.” Joker said with a smirk. His eyes wandered above the line of bodies in front of him, until they settled on a blond man that had his attention fixed on a spot just right next to him. On Steve. The man flushed and averted his eyes once he noticed Joker’s inquisitive gaze.

“Hey Steve, I think is your lucky day.” With a nod he directed Steve’s attention towards the man who was now, presumably very interested in his drink. Until he lifted his gaze. “Go to him, man.”

“Can you please stop trying to set me up with random men?” Steve turned in his seat, facing the other side of the room.

Joker was about to say something when he saw the guy standing, walking in their direction. “For the record, this time it wasn’t my fault.”

“Wha-”

“One beer please.” The guy was speaking to the bartender, and Joker saw Steve almost choking on his own drink.

“I’m going back, but you should stay.” Joker said with a grin, slowly standing up on his crutches, and before Steve could say a word, their attention was drawn by the man’s voice.

“Is this seat taken?”

“No man, you can have it.” Joker said adjusting his cap, turning to Steve. “Have a nice night, Cortez.”  

“Thanks Joker.” Steve said, glaring daggers at him.

He touched the bill of his cap on his way out.

“Hello,” the man said, his voice soft and low. “I’m Robert.”

  
Those were the last words he heard before they were out of earshot. 


	2. Chapter 2

Taking a shower trying not to slip and break every single bone in his body was hard, even with the handles at the sides. The steam shrouded him, while outside Steve still cheered his last feat. 

“Yeah. Thirty seconds, nothing more. He went like this, Viper went like that and bam!” Steve mimicked with his hands.  

“Oh man, we got our butts kicked.” The lament came from Crooks, in the stall two pieces far from Joker. 

The clatter of boots against the tiled floor grabbed his attention as Reyes entered the locker room. 

“Ice! You won?” Austin called, raising his arms and Joker rolled his eyes, holding a grunt of annoyance. It was if everybody around were mesmerized by him, and the thought irritated him like a bad rash.

“Yeah.” He answered stuffing his things on his locker, undressing without giving his accomplishment the slightest importance.

“Nice!” Steve patted his shoulder, as everybody hurried to shake his hand. “Joker won too, y’know?”

“That’s not what I’ve heard.” His brown eyes found Joker’s greens, a challenge sparkling beneath his calm surface.

“Yeah he did, he nailed Viper.” Steve chuckled.

“Leaving your wingman unprotected doesn’t count.” Reyes spat over his shoulder, closing the door of his locker with a clank. 

“Unprotected my ass.” Joker barked from the stall, his blood boiling in his veins. “ I fucking nailed it.”

A huff came up from Reyes’ lips, too obvious for Joker to ignore it. 

“What’s your fucking problem Vidal?” Joker said as he stepped out of the shower, slowly, cladding a towel around his hips, balancing half his body on his crutches. 

Around them, everybody held their breaths, eyes jumping like ping pong balls from one to the other. 

Reyes turned and walked to face him, skirting around a bench. “You’re everyone’s problem.” He lifted his chin, squinting his eyes. “That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unpredictable. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.”

The red fog of rage covered Joker’s eyes as he stepped closer to Reyes, tunnel-vision focusing only on the man in front of him, disregarding the danger of slipping on the wet floor, interpreting the words thrown at him as an affront because of his condition. 

“That’s right, Iceman.” He said in a mocking tone, his own high-pitched furious voice contrasting with the low, mellow tones of his opponent. “I am dangerous.”

Reyes laughed at him, as Joker held the weight of the challenge in his eyes, the provocation of his grin. He raised his chin, flashing him a smirk that didn’t meet his eyes. 

“Joker!” 

The call broke the riveting scene, everybody jumping in their heels as they met Viper’s menacing figure.

“Get your butt dressed and come to my office, now.” 

Once she left, he managed to get dressed in a silence charged with sweat and unspoken words. Even Steve seemed to be at a loss for words. 

Once he was ready, he left the locker room, not looking back. 

___________

Joker sat on his bunk and removed his leg braces, very slowly, rubbing his shins trying to ebb the discomfort. The physical stress of the day caused his legs to burn with pain, and he took the painkillers prescribed to him by Dr. Chakwas. Falling backwards he stared at the metallic bottom of the bunk on top of him, lost in the twists and turns of the life he had chosen for himself. A stinging ache burrowed between his brows, radiating through his skull as he kept pushing himself to not falter, to not fall into the void of self-pity. 

A soft knock stopped his train of thoughts, before it ended in a wreck.

“You still awake?” Steve peeked his head through a gap in the door. 

“Yeah. What’s up?”

He watched him stepping inside, brow creased and a sad smile on his face as he sat on a small corner of Joker’s bunk. 

“I was thinking-what happened at Viper’s office?”

Joker barely lifted his head off the pillow just to let it fall back again. “Not much. Had to be at the receiving end of a fifteen minute lecture about safety, sacrifice and group work.” He didn’t say it, but it had astounded him that not even once she had mentioned his illness, just focusing on what she had called his “reckless, narcissistic behaviour”. Risking Steve’s pretended safety at the drill had seemed logical enough, allowing him to gun down hostiles, making spins counter clockwise at maximum speed to show off. All of that hadn’t impressed the Viper one bit. 

Steve sighed, placing his hand on the mattress. 

“What’s on your mind?” Joker asked seeing him unable to say something.

“Joker look,” Cortez drew a deep breath that allowed him to go on, “when we came to Top Gun I was already a hundred percent sure I wasn’t gonna be first. I’ve seen you fly man, you are unbelievable, you pull maneuvers out of your ass that I’d never imagined but-” Steve stopped, turning slightly to face Joker better, “Look I know it’s hard for you, they almost wouldn’t let you in the Academy because of your condition and you have to live with that everyday, but it’s like every time you go up there, it’s like you’re flying against a ghost. It makes me nervous, it makes us all nervous.”

Joker didn’t know what to say, what to feel, but a slight embarrassment at being exposed, as he examined the concern in Cortez’ face. 

“Thanks, Steve. You’re right and- I’m not gonna let you down. I promise.” He said almost in a whisper. 

There was a moment of hesitation in Steve’s face before a smile broke through. “Yknow? Maybe I talked too soon. I think Reyes could beat you easily.” He quipped. 

“Oh fuck off.” Joker threw him a pillow, before Steve climbed to his bunk, turning off the lights, still chuckling at his reaction.

In the darkness of the room, he felt even more the sting of Steve’s words, like whiplashes on the flesh, thoughts and decisions swirling rapidly in his mind. A realization crashed on him so hard he was dumbfounded by it. All those years trying to escape from the reality of his situation only had led him to make it the cornerstone of his existence, the glass through which everybody judged him and knew him. It was his own doing and it had to stop. Chewing his lower lip he exhaled, deeply, closing his eyes as the weariness of the day washed over him.  

_______________________

A faint smile played on his face as they kept walking around the halls of the station, his ears full of the chatter from Crooks, Austin and Patterson as they ogled the most recent Alliance posters hanging all over the walls. He had to admit their admiration was well placed as he glanced at the gorgeous woman in the images. Raven hair and tanned skin, a beautiful, fierce face with brown eyes that scorched the horizon. Maybe a bit corny, he thought, but the publicity team definitely knew how to use Commander Shepard’s physique to their advantage. 

“10 000 batarians!” Crooks said as he turned to face the group, walking backwards. “And is she a bomb or what? I’d kill to have her in my bed. Imagine that mouth wrapped-” 

“You're nasty.” Cortez lashed out, shaking his head as Joker frowned next to him, “I’d pay to see her breaking your neck. Respect, man.”

“Yeah, you think she is gonna give your ass face a chance? Not even with a ten meter pole.” Joker scolded him, trying to keep up with the group, hobbling on his crutches.

Crooks poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue, sliding a dismissive gaze on Joker. “Shut up crip-”

A hand came out of nowhere, slapping the front of his chest making Crooks almost choke on the ending syllabus. Furious, he turned to the side only to discover Reyes, scowl shadowing his face, towering over him. “Enough.” He said, voice low and menacing, staring at Crooks and the man seemed to shrink before their eyes, silent.

Joker barely registered the increasing pain of standing for too long as he stared at Reyes, slightly surprised at his intervention. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“First night off in a week? Of course I was coming.” He said nonchalantly, as the group started moving again, his expression calm and controlled as always. 

They soon fell on technical comparisons of their last drills and ships piloted, and if Crooks remained silent nobody said a word. 

As the minutes passed Joker found himself talking easily with Reyes, the man even laughing at his jokes with a rough chuckle, and he had to admit he was having a good time despite himself. And just when everything seemed perfect…

“Crap.” A rising ache along his legs warned him he was testing his limits, his shins already complaining from the long walk.

“What’s wrong?” Cortez asked him as they turned around a corner and they started to go down the stairs. 

“Nothing, I just remembered- Never mind.” His old pigheadedness shone through, preventing him voicing out his discomfort, trying not to fall behind as he intertwined a step and the solid support of a crutch against the metallic stages.  _ Just a couple more steps, just a couple more steps.  _ The entire gang was already down, idly waiting for him to descend. 

But it was already too much. A shudder running along his legs, like a quake, made him falter, and in a second that seemed too long he tripped with the last step, his crutches falling loudly to his sides. He grunted, a strained, animalistic sound, and gasps of surprise arose just in front of him. He braced for the impact and shut his eyes tight, as he lurched down the stairs, expecting to feel the well-known razor-sharp pain of snapped bones. 

When his body was met with a warm, soft surface, Joker opened one eye as his knees buckled. 

“Easy there, soldier.” He blinked, his pupils focusing on warm, brown eyes that twinkled with a playful glimmer. 

_ Commander Shepard. _

He gaped at her for a moment, tightening his jaw almost instantly to not look like a flabbergasted fool. Her arms held him tight, his chest pressing against the plump surface of her breasts, his stubble grazing her collarbone as his head rested on her shoulder, her scent flooding his senses. His hands laced at her waist to not lose footing, trying by all means to keep the crimson out of his cheeks, his thoughts a mess as the world spun around him.

“Can you stand?” She was shorter than him, he noticed, as she tilted her head slightly to the right locking eyes with him, a smile that had his thoughts floundering lighting her face. 

“Uhm, yeah.” He tried to straightened his body through a haze of pain, but the truth was that his legs refused to support him. Years of background experience let him know that even if he didn’t have fractures, he had at least ended up with a fissure. He scrunched his nose in an involuntary wince as soon as one of his hands left the smooth surface of her skin, his knees giving in to his weight, and she caught him again.

She scanned the surroundings with a curious gaze, fixing on the crutches laying on the floor, and then to the group of men standing nearby, some of them still gawking at her. “Are those your friends?” She whispered to his ear, and he felt the small hairs at the back of his head shooting up, goosebumps covering his skin. 

“Yeah.”

His eyes caught movement coming in their direction, a general idea that someone was approaching, because almost his entire, undivided attention was filled by her. The softness of her skin, the sweet aroma that clung to him, and her face, more beautiful in person than in the posters.

“Thanks, we can take him from here.” Joker felt an arm sneaking under his armpit and half recognized the voice as Steve's. 

“Allright.” She said letting him go, and he stumbled when they separated from each other, disoriented by the loss of her. 

He glanced sideways watching Reyes picking up his crutches and handing them to him. 

“Take care.” She said beaming at him before turning and going up the stairs, disappearing from his sight.

“Sweet mother of god, was that-?” Austin walked forward, finally the spell broken when she left.

“No way!” 

“You lucky son of a bitch!”

Joker couldn't keep the vapid smile off his face, as his eyes followed the path she had taken. 

“Man, I love you but I won't carry your ass all night.” Steve said as he helped him to support himself on his crutches again.

And it was in that moment he felt the pain, as a hot needle going through his left shin.

“Help me get to that bench.” He grunted as Steve and Reyes moved him to where he signaled. 

“I need to go to the clinic.” He drew deep breaths, sweat beads falling down his forehead as he fought back the pain. “But it's ok, you guys can go to the pub. I’ll go alone.”

“Bullshit, I'll take you.” Steve said, walking to the RapidTrans terminal. 

“Are you gonna be fine?” Reyes asked, patting him on the shoulder.

“Yeah, it’s just routine. You guys go, have a nice time.”

Reyes nodded, waving at Steve and soon they were gone, not before filling Joker's ears with questions and making him promise he was going to tell them everything about her once he was back. 

He chuckled despite the pain. 

Once the shuttle arrived, Steve carried him to it, flashing him an amused glance.

“I think you aimed too high man.” He said once they were in.

“What?”

“Look at you, you're smitten.” 

“Nah. C’mon that was a mirage, she’s gone now and it’s not like I’m gonna see her again.”

“I never said you will.”

“You’re just cruel.” 


	3. Chapter 3

“Sit there and strip off your pants.” 

The nurse left the room to give him privacy and he sighed of relief. Having been around medical facilities since his early childhood he still didn’t know why nurses and physicians in general made him feel so uneasy. Maybe it was their clinical, detached tone, those faces who seemed to show that for them he was nothing but something broken, failed, a project that needed to be fix. There had been times when the professional mask had slipped off and he had been able to grasp a sliver of pity gleaming in their eyes, probably commiserating him for being who he was and that had put an end to any type of attempt to open up to them. 

Shaking his head he put hands on deck to the grueling task of removing his trousers without snapping the rest of his bones. Steve had remained outside, arranging the paperwork and he thanked his stars his health insurance was covered by the Alliance. He didn’t even want to contemplate the idea of having to face medical bills for everytime he bumped into a desk or tripped down the stairs. 

A coy smile tugged the corners of his lips when he remembered her.  _ Shepard _ . Thanks to her his mishap hadn't ended in a forced leave, squandering the only opportunity he had to prove himself… and he hadn’t even thanked her! In fact he hadn’t been able to articulate more than monosyllables in her presence and the memory made him wince.

_ Way to go idiot! _

He rubbed his eyes with his palms, swallowing his regret at his inaction, enhancing every single movement and reaction in his mind until a light swoosh made him lift his head. 

A dark haired man in Alliance uniform smiled a him.

“Can you please sit on the gurney?” 

“Where is Dr. Chakwas?” Joker asked, dark brows furrowed, with a tone that was maybe a little more brunt that he intended. If there was one doctor he trusted it was Karin Chakwas.  

“She is not available at the moment, but I’m here.” The man said sitting in a chair in front of him, examining his leg. “My name is Alenko. Kaidan Alenko.”

Alenko grabbed his leg, applying a slight pressure on the already swollen area. “No offense Dr. Alenko, but Dr. Chakwas has been the one always attending me since I joined the Alliance.” Joker said, scrunching his nose at the sudden influx of pain. 

“It’s alright. We have your medical record, and thankfully it seems just like a hairline fracture.” Kaidan replied, with a smile. “And I’m not a doctor, I’m a Lieutenant actually, currently working on my medical training.”

“So I’m your guinea pig?” Joker quipped, raising a brow.

Kaidan stood up, chuckling, and handed him his crutches. “We need to go get an x-ray of that leg and after that if what I think it’s true, the treatment will be very quick. You were lucky.”

“Yeah, I was.” Joker replied, grinning for a very different reason.

When the hassle of the tests finished, Kaidan sat in front of him while he applied a cream before wrapping his shin in a cast. “It’d take probably eight weeks to heal but with the regenerators I’m prescribing you, it’d be much quicker. Just try not to mix in demanding activities, such as running or close combat-”

“Eh, I don’t think that would be possible fissure or not with the Vrolik’s man.” Joker said with a snicker. 

Kaidan smiled. “Right. Sorry, I was on auto mode.”

Alenko finished his work in silence, while Joker relaxed. When he was ready to go, he grabbed his crutches, heading to the door. 

“Thanks, Lieutenant.”

“No problem,” Alenko glanced at his omnitool, “Jeffrey right?”

“You can call me Joker.” He said pressing the lock of the door.

“In that case, you can call me Kaidan.”  

He left the Alliance clinic with Steve helping him. Pub or not, injury or not, that definitely had been a night to remember, and he was sure the memories of her would remain engraved in his mind for years to come. 

“So? How’s your leg?” Steve asked with concern. 

“It has seen better days.” Joker chuckled. “I’ll be alright.”

______________________________________________________________-

“The last of the line, are you up to this Moreau?” 

Reyes’ voice sounded smug, and in his mind he could picture perfectly the arrogance in his face, the smirk he knew was curling his lips.

“Just a walk in the park Vidal.”

“Play nice guys.” Steve chimed in, his voice cracked by static.

“Multiple hostiles, two miles and closing in.” The Viper’s voice blasted in their eardrums.

“Tally-ho, 2 o’clock.” Joker acknowledged.   


“I’m in.” Reyes said. 

Joker’s fingers moved over the controls like they were dancing, the ship translating his directions in graceful movements, a ballet of steel and a blue haze.

“I’m surrounded, I’m a no-go.” Austin panicked. 

“Clear direct to base Fox-12, you’re out.” Viper ordered. 

His scanner scintillated with the position of the offender ships, tracing a path to sink and intercept rising between them. A small thrum of the engines, a slight tremor of the ship told him there was something nearby before Reyes passed in front of him, affecting his control.

_ Sonofabitch cut me off! _

“Get off of my three-nine-line Iceman.” Joker ground his teeth, words strangled in his comm. 

“I got the shot.” 

“Then fucking take it!”

Seconds passed in a blur, blood roaring in Joker’s ears at the challenge; the dark of space a too perfect canvas for the defty turns and the neon lights of the cores.

“I can’t get the angle, I’m too close for missiles, switching to guns!” Reyes announced, his heavy breath clear in Joker’s eyes. 

“Ice, fire or clear!”

They flied in a curve, the rear end of his ship feeling heavy at the turn. Joker’s scanner locked in the sight of the enemy dots in front of him. “Look at this! For fucks sake, I can take the shot right here!”

“I need another 10 seconds, then I’ve got it.” Reyes’ voice rippled, stirred by a tinge of anxiety. 

“Screw that! I’m moving in, I got the shot.”

“Joker’s gettin’ impatient Ice, come one, take the shot!” Crooks’ said. Joker saw his ship flying below them, trying to find a spot to aim his guns and avoid being locked down on target. 

He closed in his position, the nose of his ship almost intruding in what was deemed the deadening area of the thrusters of Reyes’ ship, in his eagerness to defeat him. 

“Five more seconds!”

“Ice, come off high right, I’m in!”

An almost imperceptible silence preceded Reyes’ words. “I’m Off. Shit!” 

The moment Reyes spun off of his direct line of sight, Joker knew he had pushed too hard, the controls trembling in his hands so hard his grip faltered as the nose of his ship got caught in the thruster burst.

“Holy shit!”

The ship felt too heavy, the forced hum of the engines throbbing in his ears. The emergency alarm rang loud within his helmet adding to his despair, his g-suit tightening around his chest. The spin that came next, left him dizzy. Ragged breath after ragged breath filling the entire space around him, the voices and screams from the others just a dull echo. 

“I’m losing control!” 

The ship skidded down without control, fast and gracelessly, a relentless tumbling in the void of space. 

_ I’m dead, I’m fucking dead! _

He knew that if he crashed against another ship or the training beacons, there was no option to survive with the frailty of his bones. He closed his eyes and his last thought went to his mom. 

A sudden pull, violent and unexpected dampened the speed, but the white dots in his vision alerted him he was close to lose consciousness, the g-force of the spins too heavy to bear.

_ Fuck! After all it’s not that bad to die.  _

_________________________________________________

He woke up in the Alliance clinic, blinded by the bright lights, and his hand in a warm squeeze, a woman sitting next to him, head resting on the bed, red hair tousled on the sheets. He blinked and tried to move his fingers which made the woman lift his head. 

“Jeff!” 

He wanted to talk but his jaw felt heavy as lead. 

“Don’t move baby, you’re gonna be fine.”

“Mom?” Slowly he focused on the face in front of him, her red rimmed eyes contrasting with the paleness of her cheeks.

“Darling, don’t force it. Just rest, you’re gonna be fine.”

“What happened, I can’t-”

“You almost crashed.” The tears he knew she was withholding, cracked her voice. “Luckily someone intercepted you and tried to restabilize you with the force of his ship’s thrusters.”

He slid his gaze down his own body and realized that for the expected crash, he wasn’t in that much pain. Probably a broken femur and a few ribs, nothing he hadn’t experienced before. 

“Who was it?”

“Steve.” He knew his mom well enough to notice the tremble of her upper lip as she pronounced Cortez’ name. 

“Mom?” His stomach churned, desperation rising within him at the growing sadness in her face. 

“He managed to do it so the emergency protocol of your ship activated the automatic pilot.” She caressed his head, playing with his hair. “At least that’s what your instructor told us.”

“But?” 

She sighed and Joker’s heart skipped a beat. 

“But he got caught in your thrusters burst, and crashed against one of the beacons.”

“How is he?” He asked, voice strangled out of concern.

“He is still in the ICU, so we still don’t know. Your dad is waiting for news, you know Steve is like a son to us too.”

“I have to see him.” 

He tried to straighten but as soon as he moved he felt as if a rib had punctured a lung. 

“Jeff, honey, try to stay calm. This is not good for you-” She moved to stop him, and embraced him, softly. 

He felt it then, just like a dam that breaks. The tears fell down his face, washing the stubbornness and arrogance out of his soul. If he hadn’t been so eager to beat Vidal none of that would’ve happened, and if something happened to Steve he wasn’t going to be able to forgive himself. The thought was a flaming knife going through his heart. 

“It’s all my fault, all my damn fault.” 

He cried in his mom’s arms feeling like a child again, her voice shushing him like so many times before. It was a convulsive cry that shook his body and made him wince in pain at the same time, a cry he wasn’t able to stop. 

They stayed there until his trembling body collapsed on the pillows. He hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes, hearing the hiss of the door opening.

“How are you Jeff?” Dr. Chakwas entered the room, purposely averting her eyes from his face as he finished erasing the damp traces of his tears. He smirked above the pain. She knew him too damn well. 

“I’ve been better, I have a slight ache here though.” He jested, signaling his thigh. 

“If you have just a slight ache, you’ll be in shape to fly in no time boy. You broke your femur and tibia and a couple of ribs, but it’s not that bad.” She said as she prepared a syringe, giving little taps with her fingernail to the glass. 

“I won’t go back.”

Chakwas and his mom turned their heads so abruptly, he was almost startled by their reaction. 

“Jeff it’s too soon to decide-”

“No mom, I made up my mind. Why should I stay here when it was at the cost of Steve’s safety, of his life!” He twisted his hands in his lap, and sighed deeply. “Doc I hope that whatever you have in there is potent enough to knock down a horse because I need it.”

The two women exchanged glances but didn’t say a word. Soon, he drifted off with the sight of the needle going into his arm and a scorching pain still in his gut. 


	4. Chapter 4

Within the next week most of the pain had receded, reaching levels he was able to resist without taking painkillers. Having broken his bones so many times, it had been almost a defense mechanism to develop a high resistance to pain, sometimes brushing aside “mild discomforts” that his mom later found out were things to be concerned about. Since he entered the Alliance he had re-learned to listen to his body, knowing that ignoring any sign of broken bones could jeopardize his career. Now, he didn’t care anymore. 

He spent his days moving in his wheelchair around the halls, wandering like a ghost in the ICU wing, trying to find out everything he could about Steve. Stable, but unresponsive was the final diagnostic. He was surprised to see the man from the bar hanging around Steve’s door with a concerned look on his face, just leaving when the nurses forced him to go. 

His mom and his dad had come every single day to keep him company, and even Hillary had visited him, gushing about the great time she was having at elementary school. She had even brought a miniature frigate from the Alliance store and his heart had cracked when he took it in his hands. 

“You’re gonna be the best Jeffy!” She had said, leaning to kiss him on the cheek and he hadn’t had the guts to break her heart. She was only six. 

It was already late, and he was again saddled to his bed like the invalid he was. His family had left the clinic just a couple of minutes ago, Hillary already yawning. The room was dark; he had refused the nurse when she asked turn on the lights and he stared at the dark for what seemed an eternity. 

Soft footsteps announced that someone was coming and he blinked when the clarity of the hall shone through the open door. Rear Admiral Prell was there. 

“How are you doing?” She asked turning on the lights. 

It was almost surreal. Of all the people he could’ve expected, his instructor, a legend of the sky, wasn’t someone he saw paying visits to injured students. 

“Ok, I guess.”

She moved sitting in a chair next to his bed. “Just came from the ICU. Steve is improving.”

“I know, I was there earlier.”

A strained silence spread around them until she broke it. “Look kid, you fly ships long enough, something like this happens.”

“It should’ve been me, not him. He should’ve let me crash and burn and die.” He spilled the words he had been fighting to contain for the last week, 

She turned to face him and leaned forward, a frown on her forehead. 

“In my squadron during the First Contact War a lot of them sacrificed their lives so I could take that shot. I lost all of them.” Her voice was raspy, scratching layers of memories he knew, were still painful. “Steve is alive, and what he did, he did for you and I know it’s hard to accept son, but-”

“I won’t be back, I can’t.” 

“So what? That’s it?”

“With all due respect ma'am but why do you care? I’m just a cripple-- I know Steve did it because he knew I wouldn’t survive the crash.. If I were healthy,  _ if I were another man _ …”

“I bet you wouldn't be half as good as you’re now.” She cut him sternly. “Listen kiddo, this is your first rodeo and be grateful that you didn’t lose anyone this time. But believe me, someday you will, this is how this life works in the military and you can’t let that crush you.”

She sighed and paced to the door, stopping before pressing the lock. 

“You have potential to be a great pilot if you get your head out of your ass and stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control.”

The door closed with a subtle hiss.

_____________________________________________

He woke up with the rattle of an insistent pull, a sweet voice mumbling his name. 

“Jeffy, wake up, wake up!”  

He blinked, wincing at the sudden outburst of pain from trying to seat too quickly. 

“Hey baby girl I’m up.” He said hiding a grunt. 

“I’m not a baby, I’m almost seven.” She said with a frown, her small hands pulling at his robe. 

“Where are mom and pops?”

“They went to see Steve. He was sleeping but now he is awake.”

He gulped and a heavy weight settled in the pit of his stomach.  Turning to the side he grabbed his crutches from against the wall and moved to sit on his wheelchair, while Hillary kept prattling about school and her day. 

“We are gonna go to see Steve ok cutie pie? Hold the back of the chair.” 

She nodded and did as she was told, her blonde hair shining under the sunlight that bathed the room. 

When they reached the ICU, his heart started pounding faster, the blood roaring in his ears as his palms sweat uncontrollably. Was Steve upset? Was he angry at him? Doubts and fears swirled in his mind as he closed the final meters to Steve’s door. 

“May I come in?” He said knocking softly on the door. His parents were standing beside Steve’s bed, her mom caressing his hair and his dad holding his hand. He could see the relief washing over them as Steve smiled, battered and bruised but alive.  _ Alive _ . 

“Hey man.” Steve turned to face him and Joker saw Hillary rushing to the bed.  

“Steve! You slept for a long time.” She said grabbing his hand, her blue eyes sparkling with joy. 

“I was really tired sweetie.” 

“Honey, Steve needs to rest and you need to eat.” His mom held Hillary’s chin delicately. “We should go, we can come back later ok?” 

“Ok.”

His parents took Hillary out of the room as she dragged her feet reluctantly. “Bye Steve.”

Steve waved at her and Joker moved his chair until he was at his side; the sight of his broken body, covered in bandages and casts affecting him deeply.

“I thought you weren’t gonna make it.” His voice sounded like a grunt, strangled noises fighting to leave his throat. 

“You know me, I’m tougher than I look.”

Joker chuckled, but it was a dry and mirthless sound. Silence spread around them, almost palpable. 

“Why did you do it?” Joker blurted out, unable to keep controlling himself. “For fucks sake Steve, you could’ve died!” 

“Seriously? No thanks, no ‘Hey man I appreciate it, thanks.’” 

The tears he had being holding started falling, damping his cheeks, his head falling to his chest. “I love you man, you’re my best friend and I don’t know- I don’t know if I could’ve- could’ve-”

Joker felt a gentle squeeze on his hand making him lift his head.

“That’s why.” Steve said. “You’re my best friend too and I know you would’ve done the same for me.”

The razor-sharp pain that had been nestling in his chest, dissipated at the sight of Steve’s smile. 

“How long I was asleep?” Steve pressed his forehead, covered in bandages, blinking heavily. 

“More than a week.”

“And you? How are you?”

Joker shrugged. “I’m fine, just some broken bones, nothing serious.”

“Then why you’re still here?”

Joker waited three seconds before answering.

“I’m not going back.” He tightened his jaw at the pain his resolution caused him.

“What?!” 

“I’m not going back. I don’t deserve it.”

Steve’s laugh echoed in the room, startling Joker. “Bullshit. You deserve to be there more than anyone, hell we all make mistakes. Yeah probably you shouldn’t have been so close to Ice’s ship, but look at how many times we’ve seen that happen with no consequences whatsoever. It was bad luck  _ Jeff _ .”

Joker couldn’t lift his head off the floor, biting his lower lip as Steve continued his tirade. 

“And you weren’t the only one that made a mistake, Ice shouldn’t have cut you off in the first place, but that’s what we do. We’re still learning, that’s what this is for. And I can’t come back, hell I can’t even stand but you can, and you can do it for both of us. I swear to god  _ Jeffrey,  _ if you don’t-”

“Alright, alright! Jeezus mom.” Joker snickered, feeling happy for the first time since the nightmare started. 

A knock on the door caught his attention. The man from the bar stood there, a bouquet of roses in his hands and a slightly flushed face looking at him shyly.

“I’m sorry- I can come back--”

“Nah man, I was just leaving.”

Steve face brimmed with joy at the sight of him and Joker knew it was his cue to leave. 

“Joker, this is Robert, we’ve been dating for a while.”

“So we’re square, because I remember you blamed me for setting you--”

“Oh cut it!” Steve chuckled. “Can you be civil for once?”

Robert stepped forward thrusting a hand that Joker took gladly, smiling at him. “Ok kids, time for me to go and see if the Viper takes me back.”

“I don’t think you’re her type.”

Joker shrugged. “You never know.”

________________________________________________

Coming back was even harder than he thought it would’ve been. There was an unpleasant feeling sneaking up his spine whenever it was his turn to fly a ship, or a fighter. A shiver going down his body, mouth dry, stomach churning when he blinked and all the images came alive again, haunting him.

It took him an enormous amount of will, but at the end he put his self doubt behind and never looked back. His own flying changed, more relaxed, more controlled, deft and graceful but careful.

The year ended with him in first place, faces smiling and hands shaking his with eagerness, instructors telling him he could apply for whatever assignment he’d like, the Alliance would be happy to have him. In all that whirlwind of excitement Reyes was the one who congratulated him the most, stating he would be proud to serve with him. 

But the years passed, and he found himself flying shuttles more often than not, the sight of starships taking off, leaving a sour taste in his mouth. Steve and Robert got married and left Arcturus for a colony he hadn't heard off before, and he found himself lonely again, falling into the self deprecating humour the disregard of the Alliance caused. His family moved to Tiptree, and he regretted not being able to leave with them, but the military had him committed to a job he hated. 

That morning he was taking a coffee after picking up a turian dignitary; someone to supervise the tests of the most advanced ship in the Alliance, a job that should’ve been his. They had him, the best pilot in the military, like an errand boy and he didn’t know what to do about it. His omnitool pinged startling him, almost making him topple his cup. 

_ Message from: Reyes Vidal _

_ To: Jeff Moreau _

_ Hey man, just so y’know, they offered me that bright spot to fly that new ship earlier this week. I asked them if you had said no, being the best an all. They said they never considered you. I told them to fuck off and found out later they chose Crooks. For real though? I think the Alliance is pure crap, all these years away opened my eyes and I’m preparing to leave for good but I think if you want to stick with them, I suggest you go there and make them respect you, just like you did in Flight School. Go there, and give them hell.  _

_ Ice. _

He stared at the message for a minute that felt like an eternity. They had bypassed him, ignoring him completely and that made blood boil in his veins. A rage he hadn’t felt in a long time, woke up his senses, numbed by bureaucracy and an idea settled in his mind. 

_ He was stealing the Normandy. _


End file.
